I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I make mistakes. Every mommy does. Even mistakes the jelly eyes see from among their glistening branches. In my experience, most of my mistakes come from being overwhelmed. It’s natural to want to do everything possible to raise our little ones right and please the…
Summer is here, mommies, and we all want to look and feel great, whether we’re in the mall or in the mangroves. We think of our little ones as boundlessly energetic, but I recently noticed my youngest, Astra, seemed very lethargic. These are the favored times, when our little ones should be outside all day, getting tan…
I was the guest writer for my fourth episode of Welcome to Night Vale, out today. This one is entitled “Lost in the Mail”. I wanted to do something based around the Blood Space War using the concept of a Night Vale Memorial Day or Veterans Day.There is a Remembrance Day parade in Night Vale to…
Thanks to a hashtag, a month, and several websites, now you can write a novel! It’s November, which means it’s National Novel Writing Month. Just as retail businesses rely on the holidays to make their money for the year, American literature relies on NaNoWriMo to provide a year’s worth of great literary works in a single…
Another Halloween means another opportunity for privileged white people to embarrass themselves by choosing racist costumes. It’s not just blackface anymore. America’s racists are getting creative and this year introduces a new trend with several racist costumes for small children. Those who are easily offended by disgusting racism should turn back now. Jewish Man Costume…
You’re pretty sure you hear the microwave running. Did Ted go in there with that paper bag or did Rachael get that thing out of the refrigerator? Surely Greg isn’t trying to eat that Chinese food from three weeks ago. Based on smell alone, you have some theories about what is being warmed up in…
I admire and adore the millennials. Obviously, it’s because I am one, not one of the godlike elders who enslave us. That doesn’t mean that we millennials, ages 18 to 34, can’t do better. Below is a pledge all of us should take publicly, as per our role as the chattel for the last age of…
The American Dream is dead. In our sterile hospitals, instruments are washed and wounds are packed with gauze. In immaculate homes, our hands are endlessly sanitized and our surfaces scrubbed with bleach. Hollywood smears the screens with beautiful flesh, every unwanted crease filled with putty. Is this denatured pageant all that remains of our once-gross nation? No!…
Oh my fackin’ gahd, bro, everything is gonna fackin’ die. Can you believe this, bro? We’re all gonna die. Us, ma, Bin Laden, even fackin’ Brady. We’re born to die, Jerry. And not only that, bro, we’re gonna fackin’ see it comin. We undestand everything, bro. Gahd created us to see our own doom. I…
Hello, hello, welcome. Good to see you, Felljoy. How’s Birdy? Maxmillian, back from the Continent? You’ve got that gypsy color again. Lord Shidesmouth, Oxford’s nineteenth-year senior, at it again. Waltar Buggingdon, still crippled and late as usual. Please, lads, have a seat. Piers Gaveston, now in session and all that. Business first. As always, we…