Gameplay After Dark: The Book of Vile Darkness and the MATURE Search for a Privy
The Book of Vile Darkness is the most MATURE product ever released for Dungeons & Dragons. Playing with the paranoia about D&D from the 1980s, it fully embraces occultism, evil, blood, boobs, and various other things associated with MATUREness. Naturally, we have decided to play a campaign using the rules of the Book of Vile Darkness. Steve will be running the campaign and Zack will be playing a villainous character created with the rules from the Book of Vile Darkness.
!BE WARNED – EXTREME MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!
Steve: So dude, I toyed with the idea of an evil group, but I couldn’t do it. I can’t come up with a group of evil dudes.
Zack: What does that mean for me?
Steve: It means you are going to be part of a group of good characters and you have to keep your evil under wraps.
Zack: Uhhh…
Steve: Can you do that?
Zack: I can try, but I have to warn you my character is extremely evil and disgusting.
Steve: What is he?
Zack: He is a Cancer Mage, meaning he wallows in disease and filth and most of his powers are related to spreading disease.
Zack: He’s covered in sores and he, uh, has a special helmet.
Steve: What’s special about it?
Zack: We can get into that later. Norman the Cancer Mage is obsessed with filth, right? He’s particularly obsessed with a certain kind of filth.
Steve: We’re talking number two filth aren’t we?
Zack: Yes. Norman loves shit.
Zack: And most of his goals are going to revolve around shit and disease. So be warned. Don’t read this if you can’t handle that because… I’m going to say some things that are not going to be too nice.
Steve: Can we call it dung?
Zack: You can, Steve, Norman is going to be using some bad words.
Steve: You are joined in your adventures by Sir Alaban, a paladin of Pelor, Dirk Rendor, a halfling rogue, and Shana T’sha, an elven ranger.
Zack: Why am I with these losers?
Steve: You grew up with Sir Alaban and although many have turned their back on you becaus of your general filthiness, he has remained a true friend.
Zack: Fucking worthless paladins.
Zack: I am dressed in rags and have long, oily hair and a mouth ringed with cankers. A foul stench emanates from my body, like the filth that drains from a corpse. My eyes weep with mucus and are red and bloodshot. I walk with a staff hung with putrefying pelts and soiled underclothes. Flies surround me and maggots gather in the folds of my clothing.
Zack: Also my charisma is 16 because I am a sorcerer.
Steve: You are sitting at a table in the Roaring Rivers Tavern with your companions. Dirk and Shana have perfumed cloths stuffed in their nostrils. All of the patrons in the tavern have either left or are staring at you angrily from the far corners of the tavern. Not even the sound of the two rivers rushing together only a few feet outside the tavern can cover the sound of the flies. Only Sir Alaban seems unaffected by your foulness.
Zack: Going to flag down a waitress and ask, “Where is the privy?”
Steve: The waitresses are staying away from your table. They seem to be strategizing with barback and the innkeeper on how to get you out of their tavern.
Zack: “Alaban why did you bring me here?”
Steve: “Yes, a fair question,” says Dirk, glaring at the paladin.
Zack: I clap a hand on the dwarf’s shoulder, my smile revealing my nightmare of teeth. “Thanks for the back up, Dirk.” I smear filth down his back as I withdraw my hand.
Steve: Dirk gags and gets up from his seat. He tries to clean his doublet off and decides to pour his ale down his back so that he can wipe the filth off his shirt.
Steve: “The prince of the Two Rivers has gone missing. With his father dead that makes the prince the heir to the throne. His mother has turned to us to find her missing son.” Sir Alaban looks at each of you. “I believe Prince Erik could end the war with the Northern Tribes. He is well-liked and a much better diplomat than his father. We must find him and help him stop this senseless bloodshed.”
Zack: “Stopping senseless bloodshed does not sound like something I wold normally be into. Are we at least going to be paid?”
Steve: “The queen has invited us to her castle on the morrow. Rest well, comrades, for tomorrow we meet with the queen.”
Steve: He rises from the table and holds his mug up in a toast.
Zack: I belch and vomit down my shirt and into my lap. “Sorry, snuck up on me.” Plucking a parasite out of the vomit, saying, “Oh no you don’t” and slurping it back into my mouth like a strand of spaghetti.
Steve: Dirk and Shana stare at you with horror.
Zack: “Charisma 16, guys. Don’t worry I will charm the shit out of the queen. Hopefully literally.”
Steve: Dirk and Shana head the for the exits. Alaban approaches you and says, “My old friend, I know you have your peculiar ways and I do not judge you. However, at the castle tomorrow perhaps you should be on your best behavior.”
Zack: Deeply offended, I point out, “What did you think this was?”
Steve: “Just try, for the sake of our friendship, Norman.” He gives you a friendly pat on the shoulder.
Zack: Ok well one of my powers is called Viral Agent and basically I befriended an infectious disease and now I use it to infect someone else and I can telepathically communicate with the disease.
Steve: What can a disease tell you?
Zack: I think the whereabouts and actions of the infected person. General stuff, not really granular detail, but I can track them.
Steve: Okay, so what disease is this?
Zack: Since Norman is spending all of his time in the sewers and wallowing in excrement I figure he has come in contact with some pretty gnarly germs. You hear about E. coli, but Norman is crawling with its far more potent cousin, X. coli.
Steve: What are the effects of X. coli?
Zack: You know how E. coli causes like fever and diarrhea?
Steve: Right. Sure.
Zack: X. Coli causes all of the diarrhea. It just comes exploding out of you, uncontrollably, almost as soon as you get sick. You’ll be double over hosing down whatever is behind you until you’re shriveled up like a raisin.
Steve: Wow, what’s the down side?
Zack: The down side is that I am going to know wherever Dirk goes.
Steve: Oh, is that who you infected?
Zack: I’m sure he gets some sort of fortitude save.
Steve: I’m guessing he failed it with my roll.
Steve: So what was the point of that?
Zack: First things first, I need to prioritize and locate a privy.
Steve: Most of the rooms at the inn have chamber pots and those get poured in the river.
Zack: What a fucking waste…
Steve: However there is a sort of outhouse beside the inn built on a wooden platform. It hangs over the river, so whatever falls through the hole goes into the river.
Zack: Is there a bank beneath it?
Steve: It’s pretty steep and the platform reaches out past the river’s bank.
Zack: Okay, I am going to wait for night fall and climb out to the river bank.
Steve: Is this really how you want to spend your time gaming?
Zack: It’s not about what I want, it’s about what Norman the Cancer Mage with serious coprophilia wants to do in this extremely MATURE game we are playing.
Zack: He is psychotic, Steve, and his main purpose in life is the sexual pleasure he receives from bathing in and consuming sewage. He also like to spread disease, but that’s more of a symptom of his main interest.
Steve: So that’s a “yes” about how you want to play things.
Zack: It’s what this very MATURE game calls for…
Steve: Alright, you take up a position on the river bank waiting for nightfall. It is already evening so it isn’t look before the sun sets and the stars come out. Before long, you hear the door to the tavern opening and boots thumping over the platform.
Zack: Norman is going to cast levitate and hover out over the river to position himself directly under the outhouse hole.
Zack: Muttering to himself, “C’mon gimme the bad bean gravy. Drench me in the hot logs. Fill my mouth with butt soup.”
Steve: After some grunting you are thoroughly shat upon.
Zack: You know Norman is shaking dangle dice while gobbling the stinky stash from that back hatch.
Steve: I don’t want to think about any of what you just wrote.
Zack: This is a MATURE game.
Zack: Although it does raise issues of consent I suppose. Is it rape to hide in a toilet and be crapped upon? Norman is generally for consent. Maybe out of desperation he’ll turn to outhouse hiding, but he would prefer to be have someone use his bucket helmet.
Steve: His what?
Zack: It’s a helmet with a seat on it. They can crap directly onto him. The sicker they are, the better. He carries it around with him. Like imagine a metal helmet where the front is open with a toilet seat on it. That’s what it is.
Steve: I hate this character, dude.
Zack: Good. He is evil. Vile. Darkness. Mature.
Steve: Right, so I am going to skip ahead to the next day. Is that OK?
Zack: As long as you do so with the understanding that before going to bed Norman casts levitate with all his spell slots and receives the maximum quantity of hot plops.
Steve: Yep. OK. That is what happens.
Steve: The next day, you wake up in your room at the inn to knocking at the door.
Zack: I’m sure I passed out next to the river smeared in excrement with my pants down around my ankles.
Steve: Yeah, fine, then you wake up to a couple fishermen prodding you with fishing poles. “You dead?”
Zack: I wish! Nope, I’m alive. Hey, would either of you like some uncooked meat from my pockets?
Steve: “No, uh, we will pass. You should dunk yourself in the river over there. Might freshen you up.”
Zack: “No time for that, fellas, I have to tongue-clean a gravekeeper’s bilge pump!” I give these guys a good old slap of X. coli on their shoulders and bid them farewell.
Zack: I head up to the tavern and order myself an ale.
Steve: Actually, you are met outside by Sir Alaban, Dirk, and Shana. They are standing with two guards in chainmail.
Zack: “Looking a bit gray, Dirk. Would you like some of my meat? I think it is pheasant.” I pull one of the cuts out of my pocket and waggle it at him.
Steve: He goes running for the outhouse.
Zack: Mmmmmm hate to see you leave but love to watch you go. Alaban, buddy, do I have time to float out over the river and have a quick dose of that sweet, sweet rump roux?
Steve: One of the guards steps forward, “No, filth man. The queen is waiting. There must be no further delay.”
Zack: Allllright, let’s go see this queen.
Steve: Dirk is unable to attend the meeting with the queen due to illness, but you, Sir Alaban, and Shana follow the guards to the castle overlooking the two rivers from the heights. It is a small, but well-defended castle. Guards eye you suspiciously.
Zack: Looking for outhouses.
Steve: You spot two, one by the barracks and the other behind the kitchen at the keep.
Zack: I will put a pin in those two for later.
Steve: The queen is waiting for you in her throne room. She sits on the golden throne, dressed in immaculate white, surrounded by her court as you and the others approach.
Steve: Sir Alaban kneels, Shana bows respectfully, and you…
Zack: Shamble towards the queen and say, “Your majesty, would you like some meat from my pocket?”
Steve: She rises from her throne and motions to her guards. They step past you and usher all of her court out of the throne room, leaving only her and your party.
Zack: I don’t know if I would call it “my” party.
Steve: “What you may have heard about my son is untrue,” says the queen.
Zack: Great guy, loves big beefy meals and grunting loaves through mesh to sift his grits?
Steve: “Be quiet, filth man,” she says.
Zack: I will, but only because you called me by my formal title.
Steve: “My son, Erik, has run off with one of the high elves of Ismara. He was not kidnapped, nor has he been taken by monsters. He has run off with some elf cleric and brought shame to our family.” She nods to Shana and adds, “No insult intended to you.”
Zack: What about to me? Would you like to insult me and spit on me? Tie a rope around my bad balls and kick them? Would you like to use me as your toilet? It’s what I deserve.
Steve: She tries to ignore what you are saying.
Zack: Good luck!
Steve: “Erik must be returned. He is the only one who might end the war with the northern tribes. But married to some elf floozy, well, this will never do. Bring him back, please.”
Steve: Shana wants to know, “What price will you pay?”
Steve: The queen quickly answers, “One thousand gold pieces for each of you.”
Zack: “Your royal majesty and highness, might I make a counter-offer?”
Steve: “Be quick about it!” She snaps, obviously disliking looking in your direction.
Zack: “I need no gold. I would like a bathtub full of your night soil.”
Steve: “What did you say?” She says, aghast.
Zack: “Yeah, I want to you to drop brown snakes on me. I would like you to squat over a bathub and make your mess in it. Preferrably with me inside the tub. Bury me in a stenchful grave. Send me to hell with your roaring rear.
Steve: “1000 gold would be preferable.”
Zack: And I would prefer a world of human manure crawling with intestinal parasites, but this is a compromise for both of us. Working together.
Steve: You are not going to convince me.
Zack: Charisma roll!
Steve: Dude, I know you have a decent charisma, but you are literally caked in excrement trying to convince the queen to take a dump on you. It is never going to happen.
Zack: FINE! “I will grudgingly accept one thousand gold coins.” And I stretch out my pants to allow her to pour the coins down my pants.
Steve: Once you return my son, you will have your payment.
Zack: Welp, looks like we’re going to Ismara.
Zack: What do I know about this place?
Steve: It’s a long walk from Two Rivers and it is said to be a beautiful city of ancient white stone.
Zack: Sounds awfully clean.
Zack: Disease free.
Zack: Going to have to do something about that.
Steve: As much as I wish this were one and done, we can talk more about Ismara… NEXT TIME!
Zack: *toilet flush sound*